roller coasters

i've always felt myself somewhat odd, that the moment most anxious (and memorable) to me about a roller coaster (raise your hand if you've ridden the comet at hershey park, and extra credit if you rode the 1946 incarnation before they tightened it up in '78) is the one where the drive chain clanks into place and begins to drag the cars up the initial incline. does the coaster eventually speed and drop and cause ones stomach to climb into ones throat? i honestly can't remember--im too busy mastering my anxiety and fear for that inevitable and profoundly portentious "clank", and the little jerk that will drag me up onto the launch ramp for all that will come after.

this is perhaps what causes me to make all my worst choices and to run my otherwise wonderful life off its rails at every turn. (c'mon, admit it: you've felt that urge to throw off your seatbelt and jump out of the coaster before it gets too high up the towering climb too). if love is a roller coaster, and the rapture is in the thrills of the hills, both up and down, i'm the idiot who ruins the whole ride for everyone else by panicking before things even get started. just watch me climb out and cause the operator to pull the switch on the whole thing.

ironically, the circumstances of infidelity are such that outside observers might be tempted to conclude the infidelitor is thrill-seeking and compulsively roller-coaster-riding. having a more informed opinion these days, i can absolutely see how, sometimes, and at least in my case, this is absolutely ass-backwards.

if i were a thrill seeker, i'd be plumbing my inner depths for the REAL roller coaster ride--the gut-wrenching depths of my very own personal demons arrayed against the dizzying heights of true love. unfortunately, being anything but when it comes to love, i have to struggle to fight that urge to unbuckle, and hunker down while i'm dragged up that portentious and terrifying initial hill.

i'm going to end up with an entire dictionary of mantras:

"constant vigilance"
"i'm just trying to be a better person"
"please keep your hands and feet inside the ride until it has come to a complete stop inside the station"