pardon my indignance, but i've just been given the old "if at first you don't succeed" homily, and i'm not feeling exactly charitable about it. (for those not reading between yesterday's lines, the last paragraph sums up the reward for my past year's efforts at "just trying to be a better person"). apparently, it's some kind of vision quest, to have every expression of affection and exposure of vulnerability to be met with apathy if not outright rejection. i guess i could think of it as yet another penalty for going outside the societal rules while competing in what i thought was referred to as the "all's fair" derby, that i'm learning isn't at all fair. (maybe that's the part they meant was all fair--the part enjoyed by the other side).
if you're trying to keep score at home, it would seem that only the aggrieved spouse has license to rewrite the entire past history in context with present feelings of scorn. the one driven to "misbehavior" loses all standing, and becomes guilty for even those things that they didn't do, under the heading that such a person must have meant to even if they didn't actually. forgetting the misguided notion that marriage might be supposed to be sometimes about love and affection, since that would have been all forfeit anyway by crimes against nature even if it were imagined to be possible to exist, the "duty" falling fully on only one side of the "partnership" is to take responsibility for all problems, endure all penalties and punishments, and continue to express gratitude for the privilege of being able to experience being actively loathed by another instead of having to do it all by yourself.
can't say who wants to take credit for the original idea, whether it be harcourt fenton hendrix or the good doctor or any one of their compatriots, (that guy pearce thinks he can levitate, so maybe he's the one), but the idea is that i'm so screwed up that i need to recreate the vortex of my agony so that i can "get it right this time". well, i've found that vortex alright...
right (again, i'm paraphrasing from the "sages", so forgive me if i'm not getting this exactly right) action is to "take it like a man", and remain steadfast and loving and caring and giving.
haven't left yet? "yet" can't possibly be steadfast enough. responsible for 95% of the expressions of affection? 20 times the outpouring can't possibly be loving enough. heart constantly feel like it's going to break? if it's not broken (and if you're not broken down past the point of functioning) at every moment of every day, it couldn't possibly be caring enough. earn 95% of the living, and do 95% of the household chores, and spend 95% of all remaining available time with the children? see question 2 above regarding the inadequacy of 20 times things.
feel like you need some love and support? get ready to do without it for the duration, and forget that it was the lack of it that originally sent you south in the first place, because we're going to practice doing without it forever.
because that's what it takes to "heal".
see, once someone gets everything they've ever wanted, they magically become whole, and all their previous troubles are forever erased.
oh, except you. you magically become whole because you specifically get nothing you've ever needed more desperately than life itself.
it's that magical thing. you'll get used to it.